The Aztexan

In a move sure to send shockwaves through the American soccer world, Don Garber announced today that the expansion slot for the 2013 MLS season has been awarded to Austin, Texas. The ownership group includes current Austin Aztex owner Phil Rawlins, local cycling celebrity Lance Armstrong, and a guy who beat them both at darts last weekend.

Critics of the plan, primarily a crowd of people dressed head to toe in burnt orange, point to the fact that the Aztex currently play on artificial turf in a high school football stadium. That's where the fourth, surprise member of the ownership group comes in. Exercising the franchise ownership clause in his contract, world superstar David Beckham will be the majority owner and director of the new club.

"I'm so excited to help advance the state of the sport here in the Colonies," Beckham told reporters this morning. "And Posh can't get enough Rudy's barbecue and Lone Star beer, so it's perfect for us. Plus I've known Phil for forever. We're both British, you know."

The new team's name, like that of Nolan Ryan's Round Rock Express baseball team, will come from the owner's nickname: Texas Golden Balls. "Lance pushed pretty hard for the name to be singular, for some reason," Beckham explained. "But this way we have sponsorship from the game show as well, so it really just works on so many levels."

With Beckham's riches and celebrity star-power to push it forward, construction of the new team's stadium is expected to commence later today. The original site under consideration was in Hippie Hollow Park, but negotiations broke down once it was realized what a poor market the area's nudists would be for Beckham jerseys. The stadium will instead be built on the site of the Texas Governor's Mansion, since it was half burned down last summer, anyway.

The new club will be coached by European legend Sven-Göran Eriksson, who will surely be fired from his current post with the Mexican national team by then. "We're anxious to have Sven here to start planning our roster strategy," Rawlins stated. "It's just a matter of him finding a way over the Texas border wall."

Another complaint some have for the new club is the schedule conflict already anticipated for the 2013 season. The entire club has been invited to participate in Italy's Serie A during the 2012-13 MLS off-season, and will be unable to join MLS league play until July of that year. Beckham sees no problem with this, explaining that the "loan" will give the team a chance to play at a higher level. "I'm sure we'll have criticism and I understand that but I want our fans to realize we're still committed to Austin."

When reached, United Soccer Leagues President Francisco Marcos' comments ranged from incomprehensible to unprintable.

Update: I removed all "Golden Balls"-related links and images, on the off chance that anybody thought the owners had anything to do with this silly joke.

Labels: April Fools